I came back from fieldcamp just yesterday. Quite far from what I had expected — it was pure hell.

It is a wonder I managed to go through all of it without breaking at some point; I was absolutely tempted to just scream and shout and act like I had really lost it. Alas, I maintained my sane fascade and pushed through… just.

It was not so much the physical aspects of fieldcamp that made it so hellish; it was more of a mind game, me versus myself. My fondness for cleanliness and hygiene, so long held sacred by me, had to be cast aside, replaced by dirt and grime.

And the feeling of powerlessness, that one cannot do anything to escape one’s circumstances, was horrible. To go against anyone ranked higher, would constitute and offence — no longer can you fight individuals; to stand up now would be standing up against the government, standing up against the country.

I wonder though, when the time comes, if I would stay and fight a war for Singapore — just what is it that makes one willing to die for a country?

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