And the mid-semester exams are here!
And what am I supposed to feel?
I haven’t prepared as much as I should have for this mid-semester. Although I must say that after last semester’s end-of-semester exams, I’ve more or less gotten the hang of what needs to be done when it comes to academia.
Still, the lack of preparation has been preying on my mind — subtly no doubt, but still significant. I’ve been a little less, can I say, jovial? Less enthusiastic on conversation; as if my mind was elsewhere.
And that’s no surprise is it? when at the back of my mind is a little voice saying, “you haven’t been a naughty boy, Donn. Haven’t been studying, have you?”
But I’m hoping that after the mid-semesters are over (or at least the two papers before the study break two weeks from now) I’ll be more my usual self.
Which brings me to ponder: what is my usual self?
I’ve had this strange feeling of lacking a self ever since I entered the army. I’ve mentioned before that I’ve always been very introverted, and it was only after going through the army that a more extroverted, network-savvy self came out.
Now, there are two reasons why this might be so: the first is that the upbringing (including school and other social settings) I’d been through provided me no opportunities to awaken the latent extroverted me. The second reason is that the army instilled in me a faux extroversion: in other words, it’s all pretences.
I would, of course, prefer the former to the latter, but who’s to say what’s right and what’s wrong right?
During times of stress, I revert to my more introverted self, with moments of extroversion. I’ve read somewhere that it is during high-pressure times that your true self (whatever that may be) shows itself.
If this was true, then I guess I’m an introverted person with a developed extroverted streak. Which is that I’ve felt I was all along.
I guess I had better go back to studying. It may perhaps get rid of the voice in my head telling me what a bad boy I’ve been, and allow me to utilise my natures (note the plural).