I recently got into a conversation with a friend over the topic of girls, and more specifically how I have never had a girlfriend.
He told me that judging from what he had seen, I had “potential”, and thus asked me if I “was the shy type”. I admitted I was, but adding that I only was until I entered the army for my mandatory two-year National Service stint, and was by now “less shy”.
He urged me to “try the girls” (an innocence of mind here is presumed), to find out which type of girl “suited me best”. I thought it good advice, especially since he was the third one who has urged me to do so in recent history.
It got me thinking about the reasons why I haven’t really tried wooing any girl.
An Uncomfortable Topic
I’ve always found the topic of my never having a girlfriend a little uncomfortable. For one thing, I’m going on 23 this year, and 23 years is an awfully long time to have never had romantic relations with a girl before.
I have mentioned before in an earlier entry that I came pretty close to getting into one, but for some reasons she didn’t feel like it, so we didn’t. I didn’t pursue the matter, for I too had doubts. Besides, I had time on my side. We were only seventeen.
Six years on, though, and here I am, lamenting the fact that bachelorhood has been my only accompaniment. But why?
As I pondered about this, I realised that it might be due to my feelings of inadequacy. Inadequacy on my part, for I may not be good enough for her, and inadequacy on her part, as I may believe her worthy of me.
In a separate conversation with another friend, a few weeks to a month back, I discovered one of the major reasons why I had never really tried (wooing) was due to my “getting prepared”.
“Getting prepared” so that I can be certain that if a girl were to pick me, she would be getting a good deal.
My belief in equality
I have this belief that a woman will only be attracted to a man who is either her equal, or above her, in terms of attractiveness. In attractiveness, I do not mean only physical attractiveness, but also in terms of thinking and behaving; and let’s not forget that of money, too.
I’m a big fan of this concept called CANI (Constant And Never-ending Improvement). I’m always striving to be better looking, richer, smarter, more gentlemanly. I’m always striving to be a person of greater influence, someone society would look upon and approve, someone who would change the world for the better, someone who would die with no regrets.
I haven’t got there yet, but I’m trying.
Imagine if I were to get a woman who liked me “for who I am”. Over time though, through CANI, I become increasingly attractive (richer, more physically attractive, smarter, more gentlemanly etc.), would that not mean that I would be going after someone, for lack of a better term, unworthy?
I know, it isn’t very nice of me to think that way, but I do.
Inadequacy, or High Expectations?
But there’s a flip-side. I have a think that my partiality for CANI may be related to feelings of inadequacy toward girls. I find that I’m not quite good enough for any of the girls I like.
You might say that I have some self-esteem issues here, and I wouldn’t fault you for that. But I believe it might also have something to do with this perfectionistic streak in me that demands the best, both out of the girl I’d like, and of myself. I do not want to settle for second-best, and I do not want her to, either.
Perhaps I’m just thinking too much, too deeply into a matter that should be resolved with the heart and not the head. But… I don’t know.
An Absurd World
I was going to conclude that this was an absurd world we live in. How contradictory our hearts and minds can be, how difficult something as natural as love can be.
Then I thought about some of my friends who have successfully negotiated the rough and confusing waters of love. To them, the view of the world seems relatively straightforward; they give me advice, telling me what I should do, what I should feel; they seem to know something I don’t.
Perhaps my thinking is flawed. But perhaps it’s their thinking that’s flawed: might they be settling for less? Or am I expecting too much out of a relationship?
I think I’ll just let time decide.
Que sera sera, whatever will be, will be.