World vs. Me

Is there such a thing as meaningful existence? or is it an oxymoron just waiting to be discovered through some thought? Is a happy life a meaningful one? or could happiness just be a figment of your imagination? or even worse, somebody else’s? Should you be happy or be sad?

I haven’t been in the best of moods for the past few months, perhaps past few years. Things have gotten worse recently; my youthful optimism has been eclipsed by pessimistic shadows; lingering, yet often teasing to go away — only to return seemingly darker than before.

If every cloud has a silver lining, then the cloud currently hovering above me must be larger than the sky itself for I see none.

I have been thinking about how self-pity, and doubt, and depression, and moodiness, and apathy can serve to bring me down, to destroy me, to bring me away from joy, happiness, freedom and enlightenment. But I have nonetheless chosen to have them.

These are but terms. Things that we categorise and put into a box, gift-wrapped in what we call words. I quote Shakespeare in Hamlet that there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.

And who are we to say what is good, or bad? Is good really good? And likewise, is bad really bad? Perhaps we got it all wrong, negative emotions are really actually good, positive emotions are bad.

If we look at it this way, there would be no looking for happiness, no looking for joy, but more looking for suffering and pain, strife and distress. Brings to mind what I seem to be attracting of late.

And if you say, Donn, don’t be so pessimistic, look on the brighter side of life, or come on now Donn, don’t be such a jerk, don’t be so stand-offish, who are you to tell me that? Did I ask for your advice? Did I ask you to judge me? Well, if you are, I’m going to judge you. I want to say that you think you are a know-it-all.

You are also selfish, as you want me to change so that it would be easier for you — and if you say that you are doing this for my own good, how do you know that I do not prefer the sadness, the pain, the suffering?

If I told you I liked it, you’d think me mad, and want to change me even more, before I become worse and make life worse for you. I am selfish, I admit it, but you, dare you admit it? If you accept me for who I am, then you are gracious, if not, you are selfish.

And don’t give me the “for the common good” crap, a person IS NOT THE PEOPLE. Society CAN be a group of people with flawed thoughts. Just think of the holocaust or the absolutely ridiculous and deplorable Hello Kitty craze here in Singapore, where people actually beat up each other for toys; cheap toys.

In trying to make me see the bright side of life, you are trying to control me. You are deciding what’s right for me. You are telling me, Donn, life should be lived happy, not sad. Or perhaps com’on, liven up Donn. Life is short, it shouldn’t be spent sulking all day.

I shall then tell you, life’s too short to be happy all day.

Little Blue Kid

There once was a little blue Kid,
Whom most people had called Sid
He frowned all day
And cried all night
He found that life was a bitch

I always told Sid to be happy
But he never did listen to me
Now Sid has died
And he’ll never cry
I think he is finally free

Download Sid.mp3 (307 KB), a song I created using the poem above.