I just lost a lot of my personal files…the CD I backed up my files on doesn’t work…and I just formatted my computer. Oh well, life’s life.
Here’s a story I found on one of my old CDs, which I came across while looking for some photos I lost in the format. It was written by me in the year 2001, in July…it’s pretty interesting to look back at something written so long ago by yourself. Here it is:
Another day’s passing, slowly as ever. I sit down, read my book, knowing that everyday is going to be the same. I expect nothing, so as to eliminate the possibilities of having disappointment in my great expectations.
When I was younger, I expected the world. I thought about how nice it’d be if I could change the world, for the better of course. Now, I sit down, and read. I have joined the other billions of people, who have become but statistics of this sorry world. How nice I thought growing up in this world would be. However, after graduation from school, where uniform and strict discipline was the norm, I expected freedom in adulthood.
What was adulthood? I thought it was the right to do anything you wanted. I was young then. Expecting much from my 18th birthday, I went out with a group of my friends and we got dead drunk at a great party. Thinking I still had it in me, I took to the wheel. Nothing would go wrong! I’m 18!
That night all I remember I was that I was at the wheel. Next thing I knew I was sitting on a bed in the hospital. I never touched another alcoholic drink.
I also expected to earn great money. However, due to the economic downturn, I could not get a proper job. I worked as a clerk for a while, but was promptly fired due to my ‘lack of respect’ for my superiors. Bah! I would get another job soon enough, I thought to myself. I did get a job, and as a administrator, after 3 years.
I earned pittance, and the amount I earned could not support the lavish lifestyle I prepared for when I was younger. Now 25, I expect nothing. The fear of disappointment turned me away from having expectations. I have been disappointed at this world, at this life! How I wish to die!
However, since young, I have been a coward. I thought I would grow out of it, I expected to grow out of it, I never did. I now think I never will. Life now just goes on. I go to work, I come home. Next day, work, then home. It just goes on like this. This cycle. I am now 25. If I work like this till I’m 60, what a life I’d have lived!
Living on the brink of bankruptcy, unable to pay certain month’s rent, no girl wants to marry or even associate with me. Alone, for the rest of my working life is what I think will be happening. Sad, sad world.
Could I ever become whole again? I have lost my soul, my mind and my body. Now just an empty shell, and a ugly one at that. I have no one, and am no one. Death awaits me, after the torture of life has done with me. This journey of life has been the worst journey I ever had.
Even though I cry at night, nobody knows. Nobody wants to know. I’m useless, worthless, and have no will anymore. The book Im reading, it’s supposed to change my life. I expected it to. However it has not! I cannot stand life’ disappointments no more. This is it. I have lived long enough.
** ** **
I have grown strong, I have shed my cowardice attitude. Now, I know what I have to do. And I’ll do it. The journey ends here. The torture ends here. Illusions of life end here. I… end here…
I don’t really remember why I wrote it. But at that time I was pretty upbeat about life actually, ironic as it may seem. I presume it must have been about when I finished reading Charles Dicken’s Great Expectations or F. Scot Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby.
In case you don’t know, those two books have the theme of unfulfilled expectations… something I have tons of experience in.