Category Archives: Personal

Writings that are personal in nature — about Donn, the person.

Self-discovery

I am looking into the “philosophy” of Buddhism. It seems pretty much what I’m looking for, but I’m not so sure yet, so I’m still doing more reading up on it. About Catholicism I’m still pretty much with it, but I’m thinking about moving away from it and going into some other form of Christianity; of course, there are family (who brought me for batism) pressures, but all in all they are pretty open about this, more or less (especially if I keep it a secret).

Buddhism teaches the flow of life. The very essence of it is the truth, or reality. Not reality of truth in the “you have to see it to believe it” or “the truth is what you believe” or “what you believe to be true, is true”, but more of there is only one reality, one that can be truly called reality, the rest are all only perceptions, and thus not very real.

It is this reality that I am looking for. I go from one place to another, from one school (academic insitution as well as school of thought), wondering where it is all going to lead to. Eventually we find it all leads to death, to the end of life.

But was there ever a beginning in the first place? When did it start anyway? When God created the world? when there was the Big Bang and the Universe was formed? Does it matter even if we knew the answers? Is it of consequence?

I would like to refer anyone who bothers, to read The Little Prince, by Antoine de Saint-Exupery. Sometimes we live our lives asking questions, and bothering about, matters of non-consequence.

When the very things of consequence that really is not difficult to reach/obtain, once you identify it (which is in essence the hard part), we ignore and instead go for the very things that are meant to bring us closer to the matter of consequence itself.

Take for example you are on a running track in a Stadium, at the start point; you want to get to the 300 metre mark, which is 100 metres behind you, as quickly as possible, but instead of turning around to run there, you make one round along the track, 300 metres long, to get there.

You think that since everyone else is running in this direction, you have to run in that direction too. You ignore the fact that turning around would be faster, assuming though, that you do really want to get there as quickly as possible.

Don’t go one round. Stop and look, and think, and know. The path can be a direct one if you would just take it.

A Dream of Death

I just woke up from a dream… a nightmare really, as I was shot to death. I don’t remember clearly who I was with actually, the only person I remember from my dream was my sister, who was alive when I was shot.

The earlier part of the dream went by reasonably low-key… I remember nothing of it except that there seemed to be many people inside. The first incident I rememember was that I was in some room upstairs (it was at least double story, seemed something like a hybrid of my house and some show-house I had visited before). In that room I saw a doll in a melting pot (arguably a pan, it was not very deep); I remember knowing what happened to it (why it was there etc.), though I can’t seem to recall it now.

I touched the dolls head, and a little bit of it came off on my hand, apparently it already had a liquid texture due to the heat. Just then some guy (or girl) came up the stairs and shot the doll with a gun, to my understanding it was a sub-machine gun, something I had seen in the movie, The Matrix.

I ran down with my sis (at least I think it was her), while the madman (or woman) chased us downstairs. When I reached downstairs, that person was right behind me, and I turned around to face the wall, I didn’t dare see him/her. My back turned, he shot me, and said something to the effect that I am a coward because I didn’t dare look at him/her. I prayed to God before I went, and was hoping for a qiuck demise, which didn’t really happen, as I lay pained on the ground for a little longer than a while.

I woke up as I died, and suddenly I realised I was living in bonus time. I should be dead right now…

A Blissful Life

By golly, holidays sure passing quick nowadays. Been enjoying life much less of late, though I’m not really sure why. I remember a time two years back when I was feeling great, and totally enjoying life like I should. Back then, life was easy…At that time, I remember telling myself that this was it, that I have reached the ultimate pleasure zone. I cannot recall a single aspect of that time of which I was not happy with, in short, I was satisfied with the cards God delt me, I was glad to be alive.

I could walk around with my head held high, just knowing that I was living life like it should be lived. I walked around appreciating every single thing that came into my life. At that time, I found it easy to fall in love.

It was a time of bliss, really. I was almost always very calm, not hiding anything. At that time I remember I was almost always very serious (at least I looked like it); it wasn’t because I was unhappy, it was that I simply didn’t need a reason to be happy! I was happy all the time. I didn’t need to laugh, or cry, run or hide…

Right now, it feels different…I don’t feel that way anymore…

There is this theory of joys I recall reading a while back; there are three types, one of them being congruent joy. It is the joy that comes from the moment, without any reason. An example would be when you are sitting on a train or bus, or simply walking somewhere, maybe back home or to school or work, and suddenly this feeling of absolute bliss comes over you.

You feel a smile coming on, though you do not know why — it was then I had almost frequent occurences of congruent joy. This sudden feeling of joy that arises from no other reason than that that I’m alive….

Life is great, at times. Come to think of it, life is simply an egg. Fragile, yet strong, nice, and yet sometimes horrible (like the smell of raw egg). It is only what you want to see, a perception thing really, it has to be seen in context. You can look at it from the surface (yes, it is an egg), or you could go deeper and ponder about the life that starts from an egg.

An egg to an adult, to more eggs, to more adults and so on and so forth. Everything needs to be seen in perspective and in context. There is not only black and white, but also grey areas in-between. In fact, there probably isn’t any black or white, only grey areas!

Life may be good, but I’m presently not seeing it that way, nor am i prepared to. I guess it will have to act as a benchmark to where I am in life — life is defined by its ups and downs.

If life were filled only with happy moments, how would we know we’re happy?